If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
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Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.