Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
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DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
White parent Vs Arab parents
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.