It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
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Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Today’s Times
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK