If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
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The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*