How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
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COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?