I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
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Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
How all things should be taught/explained.
hackers play passwordle
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.