They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
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“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
“you changed” bro i was 15
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist