2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
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“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
He’s dead