Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
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I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?