All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
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*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?