My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
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Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
turning my gender off to conserve energy
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it