If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
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It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Tell me you get it…🤣
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
#damn
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.