And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
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Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.