Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Auto correct is my worst enema.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Only Americans understand
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.