*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
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HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.