IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
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white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I’m literally crying