MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
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[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
BaD BoY!!
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.