GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
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ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
“you changed” bro i was 15
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’