*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
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Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
This is a bad sign
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.