Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
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Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow