3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
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*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that