Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
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A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold