Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
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It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Hero horse inspires millions
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
*weighs self after shaving
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.