Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
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Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.