I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
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earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Choose your fighter
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.