I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
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i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong