Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
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[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
yall want some gasoline milk
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
me opening up to someone
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Optional boss fight.