If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
You Might Also Like
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU