National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
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4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.