I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
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Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat