This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
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If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
selfie game
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets