Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
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I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
I’d use my best pan on you.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
based al yankovic
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off