My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
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Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Truth
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?