When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
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Gods work.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.