I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
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kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
*exercises sarcastically*
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
I need to get some bricks…
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.