Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
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*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
*me flirting
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
I think I’m having a stroke
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.