I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
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Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
My what?
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Still my favourite meme.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.