Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
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Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
girls literally only want one thing..
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
goldfish mafia
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.