The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
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Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
This is my bus stop.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.