I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
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Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Salad is the decaf of food.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
I need to update my racial profile.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks