The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
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Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.