*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
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I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
These are too funny not to post 😂
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
me irl
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Super Hand Dog Face
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.