why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
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This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
being a writer on Twitter:
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
same vibe as tangled headphones
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”