Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
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Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
This squirrel eats better than I do
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.