[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
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Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.