always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
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date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Cool shirt 🙂
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing