Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
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me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.