I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
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Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
I love the honesty
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )