No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
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If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Love this one 😂🧟
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect