Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
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Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
can’t wait til they legalize outside
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.